PlanetEye

The Erotisch Museum or Erotic Museum is located where you would expect it: in the heart of the Red Light District. The red lighting over the entrance beckons you from afar. The museum showcases the history of erotica. Its five floors are chock-a-block with erotic art and goodies.

The first floor is like a proper art museum with glass cases and cabinets displaying art. The only difference between general art and art in this museum is that all carvings, statuettes and figurines are of men with exceptionally large, long or fat penises. One entire wall is devoted to John Lennon's lithographs, his wedding present to Yoko.

The next room is decorated as a grotto. On first sight it looks like scenes from Disney movies. When looking closer, you will notice that every depicted male sports gigantic erections and every female is blessed with watermelon-sized boobies. Even the bunnies are sexually roused as they frolick about, all humping each other. This is not all, sit down on one of the toadstools and watch the Walt Disney cartoons that prove to be hard porno.

The erotic postcards and books may look quite dull after the Walt Disney experience, skim through them and continue to the next floor. A mannequin wearing lace lingerie and garters solicites from behind her window. Push a button and hear commentary in various languages. If this is not exciting enough, pick up one of the phones and listen to phone sex.

The higher you climb the less conventional the museum gets. Now here is what you would expect to find in an erotic museum. The entire floor is devoted to fetisism, S&M, bondage and the like. Mannequins do naughty things to each other. Watch the black-and-white video of Betty's antics. The rest of this floor is devoted to take your own picture, in a bondage chair, next to a giant penis, or what about your life-size picture as two S&M outfitted people with cut-out faces. Ask one of the visitors to take a photo you and your partner and put it on your bedside table as a memento or perhaps a reminder.

Come with a relaxed attitude towards sex and you will not be disappointed. You are in the Red Light District and a visit to the Erotisch Museum is part of the Amsterdam experience.

openening hours

Mo - Thu Sun 11.00 am - 1 am

Fri Sat 11.00 am 2.00 am

Nieuwe Kerk or New Church is not new at all but a 15th century Gothic structure with a forest of pinnacles and slender gables. Its gaping interior is one huge exposition area with rotating exhibitions. On first sight it is not obvious that this is a church, no pews and no altars. On closer inspection you will find some ecclesiastical reminders; pointed stained-glass windows and tomb stones on the floors. When exhibitions are on these are often covered up.

Other church furniture is clearly visible. The great organ surrounded by fluttering cherubs bursts into melody when the organist plays it during concerts. The pulpit is no longer in active use. Get a bit closer and admire the tiny wooden angels that slide down a rope. Now, look upwards. Can you see the winged children bearing the weight of the ceiling? A marble mausoleum with trumpeting angels and conch-blowing Neptunes honours Dutch naval hero Admiraal Michiel de Ruyter who was killed in a sea battle against the French in 1676. His mortal remains were laid to rest in the crypt.

The Nieuwe Kerk is next door to the Royal Palace and very convenient for coronations and the like. Crown Prince Willem Alexander marriage to Maxíma Zorreguieta took place here in 2002.

One way of seeing the church interior is by visiting the exhibition. You will have to take into the bargain the current exhibition, Black is Beautiful. It is in on until 26 October 2008, open every day from 10 am - 6 pm, entrance € 10.

Another way is to organise a guided tour with explanations in English, French, German, Italian, Spanish or Dutch. It can be booked for groups of maximum 15 persons at € 90. Entrance fee to the church is not included. Bookings are made through mail@nieuwekerk.nl

Finding the Sex Museum was a piece of cake. A jumble of men, mainly young congregrated at Damrak eager to get in. The under-aged boys looked glum when they learned they had to wait until theirsixteenth birthday. I visited this museum with my adult daughter and we were in giggles most of the time. Not so much because of the exhibits, but because of the serious expressions on the male visitors' faces.

The entrance to the museum proper was through a narrow corridor. In this passage a male mannequin whispered pssst, flashing his eyes. Out of the wall popped a gigantic naked plastic woman, an obvious run-away from the Red Light District. The young man next to me startled. He recovered and then wanted to grab her tits, but she withdrew as quickly as she had appeared.

The museum is architecturally interesting. The building dates back to the 17th century but has been renovated and expanded over the centuries. The exhibition rooms are on three levels and stairwells and landings are also used to display artefacts. The ceiling over one part of the building is all glass making it a light and glowing place when the sun shines.

The first room displays a collection of literature and manuscripts about sex through the ages. A large showcase featured tiny figurines with immense phaluses and other erotic statuettes. The chastity belt drew a crowd, but most men gave the rest of this room only a cursory look. Women stayed longer and studied the explanations which told about the country of origin of the various objects, what they were used for and approximate dates.

The next room was a tangle of men trying to secure a seats in one of the padded booths. We elbowed our way in, selected one of the eight porn movies, dropped a euro in the slot and sat back. The film was over before we had started looking at it. It must have been less than a minute. A male visitor took our place, euros jingled in his pockets.

We went up the stairs to the Gallery of Uncommon Sexual Desires which included fetishism, anal intercourse, beastiality and lots of things I hardly knew existed. A cardboard sign in several languages said: Don't complain if you see something you don't like.

The next room was chockful with photos from professional and private collections. Scantily dressed women in a hundred-and-one different poses. Men lingered over the photos, sighing and laughing. I looked at my daughter who didn't look back as she was busy studying the photos in detail. 'That's uplifting', she said. Feeling slightly tired, we sat down on one of the monumental penis chairs which vibrated every minute while we did a bit of people-watching, to be more precise, men-watching.

The museum is often described in the briefest of words or not mentioned at all in Amsterdam guidebooks. This is unfortunate. True to say, the exhibits range from the silly to the lurid, yet several of them are interesting, especially the photographs on the first floor.

My daughter and I weren't shocked or didn't feel out of place. In fact I could see my mother and grandmother (if she were still alive) coming for a visit and having lots to smile and talk about. So, come with an open mind and you might discover a few things about sex that you didn't know.

The interactive science museum, NEMO is only a fifteen-minute walk from Centraal Station. The building is an eye catcher and resembles a huge ship's deck This surreal green object seemingly emerging from the IJ River forms part of the entrance to the IJ tunnel. It is in stark contrast to Amsterdam's 17th and 18th centuries architecture. The Italian architect, Renzo Piano wanted to create a place that also served as viewing platform. In his opinion Amsterdam was too flat and without observation platform to view the skyline. His success is one hundred per cent. In summer the sloping roof top turns into a city beach. Many Amsterdammers and visitors crowd the platform, enjoying the sun and the view.

NEMO is a popular museum with objects that can be touched. Three floors of exhibits classified in four themes are ready to be explored; physics, technology, information technology and bio-science behaviour. Most explanations are both in Dutch and English. However, some presentations and announcements are in Dutch only. Simply ask one of the Dutch visitors to explain and he will translate for you in almost perfect English.

NEMO offers a playful way to find out the latest scientific and technological gadgets and features. The murder game is an excellent manner to discover what DNA is and how it can be used to solve crimes. A woman has met an untimely end. The visitor will have to find DNA samples and compare them to the suspect's.

The exhibit, Let's Talk about Sex is geared at teens not younger than twelve. Booths with videos showing peoples faces during orgasm, people talking freely about their first sex and instructions of what parts of the body to touch to excite one's partner are only a few of the examples in this part of the exhibition.

Less exciting but equally informative is the water exhibit showing how Amsterdam's water is purified. The Super Bank Simulation Game attracts a different crowd. It shows how to invest and gamble so that money will grow.

A visit to NEMO can easily take up one full day. It is a very popular museum. Arrive early to beat the crowds.

Many hotel room in Amsterdam are like rabbit hutches. They are so small that two people cannot move about at the same time. Budget hotel prices start at €80 for a double and single rooms are almost the same price. Hostels are a good alternative because they often charge per bed.

Hostel sounds as if only young people stay there. But this is not true. The over 60 are generously represented and so are the 40+.

True to say hostels in the centre of Amsterdam are less expensive than 1-star or 2-star hotels but they are not cheap either.

My favourite hostel is a true gem. Lucky Lake Hostel combines affordable prices with privacy and fresh air. It is just south of Amsterdam in Vinkeveen near Vinkeveense Plassen, a lake dotted with sailing boats in summer. It is only 30 minutes by public transport away from the city centre and only 10 minutes by car.

To name it a hostel is not quite right because guests stay in small camper caravans, arranged in a circle for ultimate gezelligheid (cosiness) as the Dutch say. Each of the 31 caravans is a comfortable free-standing room on wheels surrounded by a green plot of land. The rooms are as comfortable as the one home. Prices range from €19 for a single to €36 for a double. Dorm beds are cheaper: € 15 to 20. These are in chalets each consisting of three separate rooms for 4 people sleeping in bunk beds. One dorm is female only.

The communal showers and toilets are functional and clean, separate ones for men and women. The common room is a tent where you can relax, play boardgames (provided) or socialise with other guests or staff. Gas rings, pots and pans and other kitchen stuff is free to use including two fridges and a BBQ. This is the perfect place to prepare breakfast and if you are too lazy treat yourself to a hostel breakfast; cereals, yoghurt bread galore and cheese etc. but it is not included in the price.

No need to tramp to Amsterdam every day, rent one of the hostel's canoes or bikes or swim in the lake or the local pool. If you want to do things the Dutch way, cycle all the way to Amsterdam centre. It is safe and easy to find. The route is via well sign-posted cycle paths. Too tired to pedal back? Don't worry, you can take your bike with you on the metro.

Lucky lake is open from March to October. There is no heating, but enough covers are provided. If spring or autumn nights get a bit chilly you can borrow more blankets or rent a heater at €2 per day.

How to get to the centre of Amsterdam

The Lucky Lake shuttle bus to Holendrecht metro station runs from 9.15 am to half past midnight, to meet the last metro train.

or

Public transport bus runs from 7 am Mon-Fri, 8.30 Sat, none on Sunday.

Metro Holendrecht to Amsterdam centre starts at 7 am. The last train leaves Amsterdam at a quarter past midnight.

The hostel shuttle bus runs hourly. Call +31 294 28 28 14 if you want to be picked up from Holendrecht. The bus will arrive in 10 minutes.

During the peak hour the metro runs every 7 minutes, off-peak every 15 minutes.

The public transport bus every 30 minutes during the day and every hour in the evening.

A taxi from Amsterdam centre sets you back €35.

The airport is 45 minutes by public transport and 20 mimutes by taxi at about €40

Amsterdam Botel is a large moored boat in Amsterdam noord (north). It takes about 30 minutes to get to or from the centre and involves taking a ferry. Taxis from the city centre to Amsterdam north charge € 35 - 40. The Botel runs a hotel shuttle bus.

The rooms of this 3-star hotel are basic with a small wardrobe, some extra hangers and blankets and just enough space to move about. The shower is a tight fit, no place to put toiletries but this is made good by the shower/shampoo dispenser on the wall. Hairdryers can be rented at reception at a deposit of €10. No tea/coffee making facilities are provided, but these are rarely found in Dutch hotels. A TV with Dutch, Belgian, German channels and BBC1 and 2 will entertain you when you are in your room.

The Botel bar serves snacks and cold drinks and is open until 1 am. Room rates range from € 89 for a single, double or twin to € 119 for a triple. Canal view adds an extra € 5 to the rates. Breakfast at € 10 is not included and consists of a constant supply of continental and full English breakfast selections.

When you get back in the evening and you haven't eaten, there is only a limited choice of restaurants in the neighbourhood.

* Restaurant Pollux, NSDM Pier 6. Lunch € 15 - 25, dinner € 25 - 40. Closed on Mondays.

* IJ Kantine Noorderlicht, Mt Ordinaweg 15, Dutch and international cuisine, also take-away. Three-course menu: € 28

Amstel Botel

How to get to Botel from Schiphol Airport

At Schiphol Airport the train station and ticket office are clearly signposted.

Take a train to Amsterdam Centraal Station (every 15 mins)

At Centraal Station follow the signs to Amsterdam Noord.

When leaving the station, cross the road and on your left is the ferry boat. The destination board says; NDSM-WERF.

The ferry takes 10 mins to cross and runs every 15 mins until 7.45 pm, then every 30 mins until 00.45 am.

The ferry leaves you at 200m from the Botel

Hotel Brouwer has only eight rooms, but all eight overlook Singel Canal. This canal house hotel is the perfect place to soak up the Amsterdam experience and feel like an Amsterdammer. In fact the hotel is two beautifully restored interconnected houses.

The house has a long history that starts in the 17th century. In those days it was known as Huis de Swaen, the house where Nicolaes Swaen lived. Swaen translates as Swan and is an appropriate name because Mr Swaen was a sea captain. He worked closely together with Michiel Adriaanszoon de Ruijter, the admiral who captured the Spanish fleet and established supremacy of the Dutch Republic at sea. Mr Swaen had offices downstairs, living quarters on the first floor and storage space on the upper floors. In the 19th century the house was converted into Hotel Het Blauwe Kruis (The Blue Cross) whose name indicated that alcohol consumption was not allowed on the premises.

The present-day owner's grandfather bought the hotel in the early 20th century. Under grandfather's ownership all twenty rooms were supplied with running water. He also replaced the wafer-thin walls by more sturdy ones so that snoring people no longer disturbed other guests at night.

These days the twenty rooms have been reduced to eight, with en-suite bathrooms. All rooms are different in size and style and have been named after famous artists; Van Gogh, Vermeer, Escher, Frans Hals, Rembrandt, Mesdag, Breitner and Mondriaan.

The Escher room is the most popular room. It has the largest bathroom with a shower, bath, toilet and two wash basins. The Van Gogh room has a smaller bathroom and only a shower, but this room has lots of windows. All rooms have twin beds.

Narrow, steep, creaky stairs spiral up to the upper floors. The tiny lift comes in handy after a long sight-seeing day. This is an extra feature because most canal house hotels don't have lifts.

A simple breakfast of croissants, rolls, cheese, boiled eggs, coffee and a variety of teas is included in the room rate. (double room € 95, single € 60, credit cards not accepted)

The hotel's central location means that Centraal Station is only a couple of blocks away. Anne Frankhuis, the Red Light District and Dam Square are at walking distance. The museum district and Leidseplein club area are a short tram ride away. Other creature comforts such as restaurants, fast food outlets, shops and ATMs are nearby.